I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.