I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.