I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.