Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.