Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.