I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

How can I die? I'm booked.