I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.