I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

Life's but a day at most.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.