I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.