Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

Say Goodnight Gracie.