Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.