Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.