Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

I get a standing ovation just standing

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.