Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.