Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

I get a standing ovation just standing

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.