Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.