Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.