Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.