Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.