Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'