I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.