I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.