If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.