It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.