When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.