When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.