Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

At my age flowers scare me.