I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.