McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.