Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.

The patterns became even more vivid at Cardinal Hayes High School. That's when I began failing subjects and running away from home for days at a time.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.