The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.