You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.