Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.

How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.