Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'

I think the trend to control speech - and therefore thought - continues. Because of the freer flow of information now, there's more on the side of free thought.

All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.