When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War." Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry."

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.