I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

Religion is just mind control.

I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .