I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.