I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.