O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.