The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!