When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.