Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there?

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

Religion is just mind control.