This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.

That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?