The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.

The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.

If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

Religion is just mind control.