The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)