Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the sisters wanted me to repeat the whole term; so I went to the principal and pleaded with her to allow me to graduate with my class. She finally agreed on the condition that I write the graduation play. It was called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?Catchy title, huh?

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.