I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.