I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?