I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Sudden total weight loss.

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.