I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

When I was in seventh grade, I was caught stealing money from the visiting team's locker room during a basketball game. So I was sent to The Brothers. That's what they called this parochial school up in Goshen, New York. I was supposed to get closer supervision there and more "masculine influence," whatever that means. But I was thrown out for telling a couple of really lame kids on the playground that I had heroin.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.