I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

You never see a smiling runner.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.