They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.