They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.