When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

It was just a compulsion. In fact, I soon realized that the only thing I really enjoyed was the actual snorting.

Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?

I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the sisters wanted me to repeat the whole term; so I went to the principal and pleaded with her to allow me to graduate with my class. She finally agreed on the condition that I write the graduation play. It was called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?Catchy title, huh?

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.