The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.