If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.