Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.