We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman."

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'.