When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Because Brenda [Carlin] had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail.

Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?