Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.