It was just a compulsion. In fact, I soon realized that the only thing I really enjoyed was the actual snorting.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.