The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

I believe you can joke about anything.

I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.