The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

The status quo sucks.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.