I do something about the weather. I stay home.

There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.

There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.