I do something about the weather. I stay home.

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

Hard work is for people short on talent.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.