What if there were no hypothetical questions?

When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry.

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.