Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"