I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

When you start in the childhood period, when you begin to form a comic sense, it was the radio comedians - from the last days of radio and the first days of television. And Spike Jones. And the Marx Brothers. They represented anarchy. They took things that were nice and decent and proper, and they tore them to shreds. That attracted me.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.