The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.

I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.