Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

When you start in the childhood period, when you begin to form a comic sense, it was the radio comedians - from the last days of radio and the first days of television. And Spike Jones. And the Marx Brothers. They represented anarchy. They took things that were nice and decent and proper, and they tore them to shreds. That attracted me.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?