I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.

On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.

I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.