I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.

Let me get a sip of water here... you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.