There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.